October 16, 1992 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

Page 29

Coming out is a journey

Last Sunday, October 11, was National Coming Out Day. Each year at NCOD, the Chronicle asks community members to share coming out" stories.

by Leigh A. Robertson

Now that I'm a lesbian activist, out in every aspect of my life, I state defiantly, to all who will listen, "We should have a coming out party, invite everyone we know, serve food and wine, dress up, alert the media and tell them only once--We are lesbian and gay!" Our picture would appear in the local paper, we'd receive some great gifts and go on with our lives. That is still my greatest dream, but I didn't always want it.

I fell in love with a woman when I was 19 years old. It was my first time--ever. She pursued me. I was enchanted. We read poetry, wrote passionate love letters, took walks, and stared into each other's eyes for hours. I was scared. When we kissed it was incredible. I was petrified. I tried to stop it. She came back. I tried to pretend to my roommates that she was just my friend. They didn't believe me. When we became lovers everything changed. I saw the world differently. I finally understood what all the movies, books, plays were about--I felt everything.

My emotions were enormous, especially shame. Re-reading my journals at that time,

Cornelius Utz

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the intensity of my feelings for my first lover were on paper, but gender neutral, as if it was nothing unusual to love a woman. But that wasn't the truth. The tragedy of homophobia is that it silenced me even in my journals. I could not write about my fear of rejection, my isolation, my paranoia that everyone knew, even my belief that she was a lesbian but I was just in love with her, not women. There was no freedom in my soul to write about what was really happening. So I diluted it on paper.

Coming out is a journey. I came out to myself first by choosing women lovers, and then by identifying with the word lesbian. This didn't happen at the same time.

I remember a college friend and I talking on the phone about something and she asked very easily "does she know you are a lesbian?." I almost dropped the phone. It seemed like hours before I answered "yes." Those "hours" were filled with surprise and fear. It was the next step toward taking that leap of faith and saying it out loud.

I came out to my parents. I wrote my mother a letter. Her coming out journey began with concern, especially about my career. She never blamed me or herself and is one my best friends. My father was told in anger, by me, on the phone. I don't suggest doing it that way. He struggles much more than the rest of my family. But it is his journey, and he does the best he can

under the circumstances.

I came out on my job at a battered women's shelter. I joined the Michigan Lesbian Task Force. I challenged supervisors, staff, boards, and clients. I taught antihomophobia workshops. I made lesbian friends. I was becoming an "expert" on my life.

I came out at my job in a substance abuse center. By the end of the month, I was fired. It was then I decided to be actively out. I wasn't willing to be invisible as a lesbian for the sake of my career. My work accomplishments were enhanced by my lesbian-

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Leigh Robertson at a Center staff retreat.

ism, not hindered by it. I understood discrimination, fear, doubt, shame, and injustice. I empathize with battered women because we shared many of the same discrimination; loss of community, acts of violence, isolation, and threat of losing our children. It was a turning point for me.

I will never forget the cab ride from Cleveland's airport to my interview with the Center. The cab driver was very friendly and asked me why I was in Cleveland. I told him for a job interview. He asked for what company. I forgot to breathe. I was in a cab with a stranger in a new city going to an interview at the Lesbian-Gay Community Service Center.

What will his reaction be? Will the information cause an accident? Will I have to jump from a moving car and hope for survival? I took a deep breath and realized there were choices. I didn't have to tell him. But I did. He nodded in that way straight people do when they're trying to be polite. He asked me questions about the Center. Where was it located? How long had it been around? No one jumped from the car. No one died. It was all right.

C

My life has a "before Cleveland, after Cleveland" quality to it. I never understood the freedom of being out in all aspects of my life until I moved here. Everyone wants to know what you do for a living. It's the question right after your name. I say it without hesitation now. I say it with pride. I say it and wait for the no response, the surprised response, and the clueless response. Some folks still don't connect my working at the Center with my being a lesbian. If I worked for the Left Handed Society do you think they would assume I was right handed?

I like loving women. I like being womanidentified. I enjoy our music, our socials, our humor, our festivals, and even our dyke dramas. It is my way of life. It is a fascinating life. It is a political life. Coming out for me is the best strategy for ensuring a place in the world for my sisters and brothers. A place without secrecy, without shame and with full civil rights.

Come out in whatever way you can today. It will help.

Robertson is Executive Director of the Center.

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